For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me adding lol on a serious message
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.