Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
pizza
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Sorry I made promises on Friday
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button