Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.