If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You Might Also Like
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Worst bar ever.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying