I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
where the womens at?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.