I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
just having fun
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time