Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Come back with a warrant
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
why isn’t he texting back
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence