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For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.