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Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?