When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*