How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition