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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”