museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.