HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us