My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Made something I’m not proud of
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will