Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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it is time once again
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The first one, obviously
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys