How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
are there any atheist mantises?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.