If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Succinctly put.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me