You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.