Would you wear it?
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asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.