Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.