I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.