I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
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cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.