*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on