This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
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Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Ovenable?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk