mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Canada has crack?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*offers Batman cough drops*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.