You Might Also Like
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
This January has 47 Mondays
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
went fishing caught a bass
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved