I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
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*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Itās not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe heās looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I donāt think anyone would find that very attractive.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
A big shout out to my mother who canāt hear me otherwise.
While weāre on the subjectā¦.
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
āIām sorry I didnāt see your text, I didnāt have my phoneā is bullshit.
āIām sorry I didnāt see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lapā is real. Itās possible. Itās terrifying.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Spa day..š
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Him: *leans in* Iām a hugger.
Me: *tases him* Iām not.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake