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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”