Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?