Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.