Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something