Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”