FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.