[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I’m about to risk it all
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
me irl
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Weirdly Wednesday.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
oh you wanna fight?!
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”