My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Ape together strong
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that