PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I need a headline like this
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.