I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
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They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
That’s it.I’m out.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.