“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”