I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
You Might Also Like
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair