‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
“The Perfect Relationship”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}