[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
This is always good for a laugh.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
taking June’s advice to heart
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.