People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Cheers Twitter.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.