What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Same post same
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Dietest Coke