bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2