Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
j o i m p
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.