Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You Might Also Like
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Goat cheese is for herders.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds