My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
One venti cheeseburger please.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.