“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car