i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You Might Also Like
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Buck naked
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.